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Temptations of anger

I came really pissed off from school today and ready to drop any intention of becoming an American psychologist in this lifetime. The Mexican license counts as a good accomplishment so far.  

As much as my wonderful teacher this weekend tried to explain that, besides course work, giving 3,000 hours practice, plus this and that and more of that is a form of enhancing my soul and be fully prepared for my future Californian clients. I still see this as a process with no ending and many non-sense jumps. I spent few days winning around about the state requirements in California.

My usually powerful slogan of “one hour at a time” seems very week when I see my present and future with student loans, old cars and little tiny places to live for the next years. 
My feelings of abundance are somewhere having a great vacation and my sense of humor maybe hanging out with them. I am afraid they did not leave a note about where to find them. I have left with pain, uncertainty and doubts about my commitment as a graduate student: "maybe is just too much for me", "maybe I can be a happy person just blogging the rest of my life". "At least here nobody ask me for any license . . . I hope".

The truth is that I have the wonderful practicum place in mind and hope to get accepted in the near future and I know I’ll love my clients. Nevertheless, the goal of this post is to share my evening insights about experiencing anger and still be able to take care of myself. Two hour ago, I could not stop crying at the school library. One Carmen said, “lets go forever and hide in a cave” while other Carmen said, “Just clean your face and keep working, one day you will laugh about it”. It was tough to hide my face from others while running into my cave car. This time, I resisted the temptation of sharing my misery with people who cares about me; it is not their fault. I survived the temptations of inventing reasons to argue with whomever I would encounter, it is not their fault either. I also resisted the temptation of rage driving. (Ok, not very wise driving while sobbing but did so with extreme caution). I do not need to put others and myself at a risk, I thought. I also passed over the temptations of eating for the sake of eating, watching TV, ignoring my feelings or ruminating my complaints against the board of psychologist, (well, this last one is harder). I also refrained myself from any self-blame for having such crazy dreams of becoming psychologist again!

 After I passed of those options with a conscious effort, the only ideas left were to write on my journal, pray or share on this blog.

So far is working, I feel relaxed now. I know I saved myself from so many other negative consequences out there. None of the angry temptations are helpful to decrease any of the required 3,000 hours but they could increase my chance of never getting a license.

Well, I am going to pamper myself with a bath and a nice nap. Please manage the temptations of your envy, or better, pamper yourself . . . until the next post.

Heavy drinking deserves heavy thinking!

There is a Chinese saying that goes like this: Every small or big decision would we make affects the next five generations. I would say that is true.

I grew up in and alcohol, drug and violence free environment. My parents never drank, smoked or hit each other. Despite achieving elementary school as their highest degree, they read a lot and tried to teach us the best values they could. Wait . . .before you ask: is that true? How come? Are you and ET? I am not saying I grew up free of problems. I guess we had more than enough with my mother's asthma, the several miscarriages they had, and poverty. I am just saying I am free from the problems that alcoholic families go trough. Well, at least grew up thinking that way.

Ok, that sounds wonderful, but why I am still choosing partners who have some kind of addiction whether to sex, gambling or violent behaviors? Why I struggled the first 35 years of my life to value myself as a single woman?  It is very painful and embarrassing to admit that but I am afraid is true. Ssshhh! It may not look good on my resume tough.

Anyway, those where my questions early this week as I started analyzing my family's patterns and drawing circles to represent women and squares to represent men in a genogram, (a funny draw psychologists scribble to save time in therapy).

My alcohol-free pride and my dry soul shacked as I draw squares to represent men of my extended family. I looked back only until my grandparent’s generation, it was too painful to go farther. Boy, it was evident that I am part of an alcoholic culture and still affects me as much as my parents tried to keep dry my soul and as much as I decided to put them out of my life. I found that 99% of men are drinkers, heavy drinkers, and some of them drug addicts! I have a homeless cousin, one who died for an overdoses and another that besides being and alcoholic is a corrupted policeman. Wow, what a family! Ok, I grew up in a macho environment in an extended family where average education is third grade like the rest of my country. My father is the 1% exception there and my sisters and I are the only ones who got further education. Since I am a daughter of this 1%, neither machism nor lack of education explains the decision of drinking to me. I still believe is a personal choice to get out of it.

Well, today after being sure I leave my judgments, I packed my questions and the bits and pieces of alcohol-free pride to attend an AA meeting. It was a school assignment but also part of my personal quest for answers. I am ready to look at my family issues. People there were welcoming which eased my stress. The story of recovery of the young woman guest speaker brought so many memories about my alcoholic cousins, uncles, friends, etc. For some reason no alcoholic women in my family but certainly we are very codependent. I got to feel the pain and the struggle for recovery of people in this meeting. I also realized the painful lives of my alcoholic family members. I learned that to get drunk only takes couple dollars and the need to do it, while the recovery may take a village. I know it takes a village also to suffer the consequences of it. I guess I cannot longer say that I am alcohol-stress free as long as my extended family, my community and my country struggle with it. I do not know how to start but definitively I cannot longer ignore the love I have for my extended family because at the end we all share the same last name and the same struggles.

Cheers. . .well, dry cheers. . . and be safe until the next post!

Meditate or not meditate? This is the dilemma!

This week I have been reading a lot about the brain and the impact of meditation in our physiological functioning.  Most of these research findings made sense to me in my experience as a meditator. No, do not worry; I am not going to torture you with boring facts and reports. I trust you can choose that on your own if you ever want to get a PhD. I rather this morning share the benefits I experience.

Four years ago, I got tired of being miserable and bring misery to others. I also knew I am not good at obeying blind rules of religion or any other organization. I wanted to experience freedom with no harm to others. I wanted to be loving and compassionate with myself. After a careful search, I discovered that there were people that seem to have fun in this world and accomplish even more that others and start looking into their daily habits. Most of them have a spiritual practice whether is meditation, praying, walking the dog or riding their bike.  They seem to live in a better place that I did.

Now, if somebody asks me to exchange for one hour of my time every day as the rent for me to live in the same beautiful and safe area of the city, I would quickly ask where I could sign the contract. Despite my busy life I could find the time to give one hour in my schedule. 

Well, ever since I meditate on regular basis I feel like I moved to this better "neighborhood" of this world. This is a neighborhood where everybody can have a house of the size they want. Literally, I feel like my life got much easier because I encounter more compassionate and peaceful people everywhere. The days when I was struggling to find a parking spot, having upsetting encounters in traffic, on the market or with my colleagues are far away from my memory. 

The days I meditate, a lot of wonderful synchronicities, smiling faces, quick services and hidden shortcuts appear easily. I can overcome challenges faster because I emotionally flexible. Of course, I get angry, sad or worried, the difference is that I give myself permit to feel it without poisoning my thoughts. I do feed my ego and my misery. I chose what to think and how to process my emotions. 

The days I do not meditate I come to visit my old "neighborhood".  I get to witness road-rage drivers, people fighting, accidents and all kind of stressful situations on top of dealing with my own. 

After practicing seriously silent meditation for the last two years, I can say that this world is a beautiful dance room where I get to choose the music. Moreover, I have learned that strenuous and violent music does not suit my soul. 

Hoping you too, move to a better "neighborhood" . . . I’ll find you in the next post!

Carmen

Had you stop lying to your self?

For the past few months I had the opportunity again of corrupting myself. I had the opportunity of lying to myself. I realized that certain weaknesses and false dreams will be with me forever; the difference is what I do with them. I realized that others could lie or present illusions as much as they want, but it is up to me to believe it or not. 

There are some promises and sweet statements that I would love to believe blindly. Sometimes I wish I could still be the naive and candid girl I once was. "Do not worry about bills, I'll take care of it" "I am coming to love you forever" "I'll take care of it, honey" "Here is your check, you just won the lottery" and many other sweet illusions that I like to entertain in my mind. 

Life's experience has taught me that shortcuts are not the best way in the long run. For instance, I got married once for the dream being love by a man and having a family; at work, I hide my opinion afraid of losing a job; in social interactions, I ignored my physical needs to attend other people demands. 

In other words, I have forgotten who I am to receive love, attention or economic stability. I did that with family members, friends, institutions, etc. I had abandoned myself to receive something from others.

It is taking me almost 40 years, to learn that: NO . . . LIFE IS NOT LIKE THAT. 

I declare my own independency. I am free. I think and act freely. I am the only one responsible to provide me with safety and happiness.

I respect myself and I am committed to protect my divinity. I can do fair exchanges. I can negotiate better because I know my value. I have discovered a personal agent who is a compassionate inner self. 

This inner self has not hidden agendas or charge emotional prices. 

Thank you to those liars, oppressors and demanding people for those gifts. I know you were dealing with your own challenges. I ask forgiveness for the times I did the same. I send blessings to you all.

Maybe is true that we are all interconnected and we are all together in this world to learn from each other.

I wish you a lot of learning and inter connective insights . . . until the next post. 

Do you dare to dream?

I am not wealthy, but I feel very abundant.  My economic circumstances are way different than they were when I was born. I am proud of my parents because they are hard workers. They taught me integrity, honesty and self discipline as main values. My mother is a very positive person and taught me also the power of hope. When a child I used to spend so many hours day-dreaming with a better world for me, my family an my community. Probably it worked in some ways.
I dreamed of a house with a complete roof, with electricity, a TV, a normal toilet. . . you know this kind of toilets that you can flush the water. Aaah!. . .  I remember how much I cried when I needed to wash my clothes by hand at age of 17 and running water was a luxury. Therefore, my dream for my family was a refrigerator, a washing machine or a normal living room.  No, I am not 100 years old as you may be thinking now. I am only 39 but still some parts of Mexico and many other countries struggle to have the things that we take for granted in the USA.
In my twenties, I learned that hard work is very important but having clear goals is indispensable. I found a small book called Visualizacion Creativa (creative visualization). This book was a easy step by step guide about how to manifest abundance and blessings. According to this book our brain works with images rather than words. If you put the same images over and over, the brain will look for it out in the world.
Well, I made my personal ritual to do a vision board (collage) that appears in front of my eyes every morning. Every January 1st, since 1995, I light candles make a prayer or meditation and ask for blessings in my year. I get several images from old magazines and put together into a new collage. I am getting better at it. I worked with clients who wanted to do it. I worked with groups or just my dear friends who want to explore vision boards. And if nobody wants to join me, I do not care because it is about my year, and my blessings.
As the years passed, I learned to have a lot of respect for the images I put there. Most likely I will get what I am asking for and this can be scary. For instance, I remember one year that I put a woman traveling in high heels. This was the year that I got several presentations in other cities and I needed to travel. . . in business clothing and high heels! I can tell you, it was exhausting. Other year I put a lot of couples with children in kindergarden age, well, I got married and got a four year old stepson.
I could share so many examples, most of them wonderful miracles. The point is that dreaming is important, making them visible is important also. Overall, taking the lead in shaping our life is a very effective way of not only working hard but telling the intuition, the universe or God what we need and how we need it so they can help. Trust me, they do help!

I wish you a 2011 full of wonderful images and. . .  dreams that transform into realities.


P.S: This is the link to the book in spanish:
http://alarealidad.com/libros/Shakti%20Gawain%20-%20Visualizacion%20Creativa.pdf

Love It or Leave It!

As this this year is ending is inevitable, at least for me, to evaluate my life. Last year, I worked hard to the point that I forgot about my health. The only thing I did for the last four months in 2009 was writing and reading 20 hours a day. I abused my body, and the obvious result was back pain, headaches, and a lot of stress. I did not enjoy the holiday season and the accomplishments seemed unimportant since I still had a long to do list. This 2010, my goal was to make a more pleasant use of my time.
My personal rule, since I was 18 years-old, is to love and have fun in my current occupation or leave it. So far, my rule brought me to wonderful job places related to my mission. Because money is not my priority when choosing a job, usually it comes naturally and in abundance.
Well, this time, I am the one who is paying an abundant tuition. Because, I love the PhD program I am in, I came all the way to California just to do it. Classes and teachers are great. Hence, last January, I seriously considered whether to quit or to deal in a loving way with the intensive workload that a graduate program requires.
I thought, it is not fair to have  PhD in transpersonal if there is no Carmen, the human being, at the end.
 
Therefore, I formulated a plan to stay healthy, happy and still be a successful student: I would meditate, talk to family and friends, cook, eat slowly, watch movies, and take walks with my friend Ma Elena around the block several times a day. I scheduled myself at least one of physical activities a day like yoga, swimming or Aikido. I made my priority to talk by skype with my nieces and nephew who shared their infant challenges like getting a boyfriend in the kindergarden and losing it the next week or how difficult life can be when you are three years-old and your Mom is mad at you because you loose your shocks somewhere in the house. And of course, I signed myself to an online dating service.

I know, it looks like instead of lowering I increased my to do list. Well, it worked!
As soon as I took my life back and start smiling again, I could accomplish everything easier. Now, I write or read for a one-hour period at a time. I can concentrate better and have a better performance. I have fun with my program and my life. The most important thing is that I learned I can trust myself. I can work hard for some days knowing that I  can be relaxed and playful in the same day, the same week or why not within the same activity. I can stand up and dance the outline of my paper, I can sing my ideas or draw until the inspiration comes. The workload is still hard but I am achieving a more balanced and healthy life with discipline. At least I can laugh about it.

I wish you a balanced and joyful life . . . until the next post.