Tea Parties: a crazy exercise to prevent craziness

It is almost six in the morning and I already spent more than an hour in doing my favorite activity to keep my mind in shape: writing about my self, my fears, expectations and even secrets that I am afraid to tell myself once the sun rises. 

I had a tea party with all the inner Carmens I know. . . No, I am not afraid that you may think I am crazy or suffer from multi personality disorder, as my dear friend Scott would say. 

I invite my selves to this tea party every time I am having some different conversations going on in my head. Has that ever happened to you? This feeling of being in inner conflict or indecisive which could be very uncomfortable.

When I face an inner conflict, the contradiction inside me is holding me back the usual joy and peace I experience. This occurs I face an important decision or feel hurt. Thus, I prepare my favorite tea and organize a meeting where the CEO Carmen asks a question or throws out a topic to be analyzed from different perspectives. The CEO Carmen is ready to listen carefully, free of judgment to the others. This sets the tone for each one of the Carmens to listen to each other in a neutral terrain.

I literally stand up and go from one place to another in the circle. However, today I did not want to quite wake up and go out of my bed so I just grabbed my computer and wrote from the perspective of the intellectual Carmen, the emotional Carmen, the sexual Carmen, or the academic one. . .

No I am not crazy . . . Actually this is a very healthy exercise that prevents me from getting wild and loses perspective. I found those tea parties very helpful, especially when I have time to write the conversation in my journal and read it days, months or years later.

Sometimes the tea party is only for two of the Carmens that have a very specific personality and are in conflict. These are more intense parties and fun to witness.

The more I practice the tea parties the more I find that the needs of all of them are pretty basic. For instance those needs could be, to love and be loved, to listen and be listened. It just happens that different parts of me want to accomplish the same mission in opposite ways. They want to protect me. Once all of them are done and feel understood they are ready to delegate the responsibility of taking a final and more informed decision to the CEO Carmen.

The key here is honesty and bravery to admit the very difficult thoughts that I am afraid to say to myself.

So, I wish you wild and rewarding tea parties for your self. I still have left some nice tea to drink. Until the next post . . .Cheers!

The bitten peach

I will "un-dust" my storytelling skills today and write one of my favorite therapeutic stories:

Once upon a time a king was getting ready for his departure to the battle and gave the last instructions to his servants: "Take care of my beloved wife -the Queen, my home and do no use any of my carriages under any circumstance or else I'll kill you without any consideration" He was just married and the young couple said goodbye to each other with sadness. During his absence, the new Queen received the news from the neighbor town about her mother. Fearing that her mother would die, she run to the servants and ask to be transported to her mothers home.

After some back and forth arguments, the servant accepted to transport her under the condition of not telling the King about the trip. "My Lord will kill me, I am afraid,” he said. The queen assured him that she would explain everything and the King would be ok with her decision. They took the trip to mother's home and came back before the King's arrival. Soon after the King arrived, the servant run into him with fear and anxiety. "Please forgive my Lord, I did not want to but she insisted, please have compassion" The King listened to the servant and told him not to be worry because he would listen his wife before making any decision. The queen was in the Palace's garden eating a peach and sitting under a three. The King listened the story from her and agreed with her that there was no need to kill anybody since this was an emergency situation. They both laughed and celebrated their encounter. She offered him the same peach she was eating, which he gladly accepted and both spent the rest of the day joking and playing. Soon, they forgot about the incident.

Ten years later, while drinking and sobbing for his recent divorce, the King was telling to his best friend the story: "She was selfish and a bad person since the beginning, she disobeyed my orders, she put in risk the life of my servant, you know, I could kill him upon my arrival.  Despite the tense situation, she was happy and the most important thing . . . she gave me a bitten peach!"

To my ex-husband, ex lovers and why not, . . . to the future ones: Thank you for the laugh and playing even though I may hate you for the bitten peaches.

Baby steps to spiritual enlightenment: Opening my heart

       As I was doing yoga this morning I heard a profound sentence from Nicole, the teacher, “Open your chest, because this is what warriors do . . . They open their chest and their hearts”.  I am a warrior; I always have been a warrior. However, while in the battle, I am more inclined to act like a close-hearted one: strong and invincible. Today, this woman, who looks to me like a powerful and joyful warrior, is telling me that warriors open their heart, . . . it sounded it like a playful experiment to me. Why not? After all, there is no risk in the yoga class, no enemies here.

Thus, I surrender my self to the pose, I managed to remain balanced and open the chest at the same time. I mean I really aimed for heart opening. Suddenly, a huge wave of pure love and gratitude came to me. I was grateful for the compassion of my yoga teacher, whom every Saturday morning comes in good humor to class, she sings, make jokes, and push us to the limit of our bodies. I was grateful to see the threes through the window, the presence of my classmates, and the opportunity to be alive. A bunch of images came to my mind, since the very strong (and vulnerable) warrior I was 12 years ago when I started teaching psychology and wanted to change the world, to the soft movements I practiced in Aikido class last night: All of them about the warrior Carmen that I am. It also came to my mind, all of those moments when I threw my self into battles with passion and determination but also with anger and frustration. I remembered all of those difficult moments when I wanted to change university programs, and people. How different could it have been if I had just opened my heart while in a battle? This simple intention would have helped me to see and appreciate people’s effort to get things done the way they do.

Now, I am being very conscious of opening my heart more often, whether in yoga, in aikido or in the long line of the supermarket. I do not know yet if this would help me to change lives or university programs but I can tell you that life is getting easier every day for me. Actually, I came to the conclusion that I have a face muscle connected directly to my heart because every time I open my heart, my face inevitably relaxes and my lips stretch to the point that a smile shows up like an encouraging outcome of love and gratitude.  

With an open heart, I wish you get a smile in your face and keep it until the next post!

How does it feel to be perfect?

As I was working yesterday as a teacher assistant, I remained to the teacher about timing. You know, as a good teacher assistant, I wanted to be sure that she would accomplish everything she wants for her class. She laughed and proceeded to the next item in the schedule. The second time I talked about time, she laughed again and with profound love asked me: Carmen, how does it feel to be perfect? We both laughed and I thanked her for the inspiration for my next post.

Well, being perfect, feels exhausting, upsetting and I know is the best way to set my self for deceit and unhappiness. 

For long time, I suffered trying to get in control of situations that I naively thought I could control. For instance, as a child, I wanted to control my parents; as an adult I did my best to control my environment including my bosses, my lovers, and friends. As a CEO I wanted to control everything that happened in the company. That was quite a task! As a mother I wanted to control what my child ate and learned not only at home but also in his school… poor child! As a therapist, I even thought I was getting paid to control the personal growth of my clients. I think that was the most dangerous one. During all this time I taught I was right . . . painfully right.

That's it. Some strong life lessons have taught me that perfection is really painful. Of course the perfectionist in me is still active. I use her for my work and my every day life. However, we have a different relationship: when she demands something I stop and try to understand her need to take over the situation, I can show love to her and I can even laugh with her. This perfectionist Carmen have brought me to the place I am now in my personal and professional life, of course I am grateful for that, but she knows that there are other Carmens that can take care of me. This means that I can work hard but I also can take time off to rest and play.

I've learned that surrender is the most loving thing I can do for myself, and for this perfectionist Carmen. Furthermore, I've learned that surrender and compassion help me to step out of the way for the universe to manifest its magic in my life. 

Right now my perfectionist Carmen keeps telling me that this post is not done, but we both can laugh and push the publish bottom, so I can sleep another hour before my day starts.

I wish you and imperfect and happy time until the next post!

Carmen

Hidden prices of giving

I have very good luck since the very first day that I was born, would say my mom. I can say that I was lucky since the day that I was conceive as I dig into the conception story of my mother. It seems that the conception was a happy moment according to my mother, my father “knew” that he just conceived baby. “Is a girl”, he told her minutes after the fact.
My mom loves telling me this and many other stories about my childhood. For instance, I am the oldest one of three sisters and the only one who was born in a private hospital (sorry sisters). My parents had two miscarriages and they did not want to take the risk of bringing a baby in public places anymore. I really do not know how they afforded to pay but they did. I weighted 5 pounds and they feared also for my life.
The nurse in turn felt in love with me and my family, she wanted to the baptism godmother and she gave me earrings of pure gold. “Pure gold” remarks my mom every time, “but I could not accept the nurse as your godmother, we did not know her that well” she adds every time also. My mom insists that this event and all the gifts that came during my first year of life are responsible for me acting like spoiled and always being lucky.
Maybe she is right. I consider myself a lucky person. People often feel compel to give me something. I am much adjusted to receive small and big, cheap or expensive gifts. Somehow during my gifted life I learned to be grateful and bliss the person from the bottom of my heart. Of course, this multiplies my good luck. Every time I receive a gift I feel such a special feeling of gratitude that is difficult to explain. It could be that I came to this world to learn this specific feeling.
I learned to be very respectful of gifts since every time a person is giving something, is putting his or her energy into it. People have the need to give as much as have the need to receive. Few years ago, I also learned that saying “thank you” whit honesty give me freedom of any emotional debt later on. Before, I often felt guilty of receiving presents, especially when the gifts represented something special for the giver. Now, I know the best thing I can do is paying forward.
I learned that giving and receiving is simple. If I am putting an emotional price in my gift, is better if I recognize that. Finally, I could be hurt if I do not get paid, and most likely I will not get paid if I am unclear about the price. If I contaminate my present with hidden expectations I am also including misery in the packet. This is the “shipping and handling” price that we very often do not disclose to the receiver. It may sounds weird to mention the shipping and handling extra fee but maybe worthier. Let do a quick test: Today, I am writing for the sake of being read. . . (That was hard to admit, let me take time to breath) . . .  and, the best way for you to let me know that you read is to leave a comment, any comment is fine. It is fair to you? This is my feeling today and it may not be other days. How the test was for you?
Well, enough of giving and receiving and go back to work.
Have a gifted day and until the next post!

Carmen

Healthier relationship with my cell phone.

I've improved my cell phone relationship over the past few years. Therefore, this morning I feel sharing my cell phone wisdom.
At the beginning of my cell phone life I bought a Nokia, this was 13 years ago. I still remember how happy and amazed I was of being able to talk on the go.
I did not quite finished to settle my relationship with the home phone when I decided to add a fresh and new adventure to my communication style by getting this Nokia. I had private practice as a psychologist and I wanted to offer to my clients the sweet option to find me every time their impulse ask for it. Back then, I had the luxury of being free from this ugly two year contracts. I just added air time any time I wanted and the number was mine for the rest of my life.
My Nokia did nothing else than phone calls, offered me a handy calculator and the opportunity of saving up to 16 contacts! Oh, I forgot to mention that I also could plug in a hands free item.
I was 26 year old as I was a graduate student by the time I got it so, by then, I was quite adjusted to my life without instant communication. This means, I grew up in a world where "I love you" "how are you" and "see you later" were complete sentences and they were either said to the person or sent it in a decent paper letter. Sometimes those complete sentences traveled hand by hand in a piece of paper hiding from the teacher in turn.
Now, everything is in text msg and short like many other pleasures in life. I still do not get adjusted to that. Maybe this is way I only get to spend 10 out of the 200 msgs I am entitle to use every month.

Anyway, now the cell phone and I have a clear relationship...he serves me!

I know I can interrupt a conversation with somebody if my phone rings and most of the times I decide not to do so.
I know I could text in class, while driving or while doing other things, but I decide not to do so. I refuse to put in danger so many lives in the highway including mine and the wonderful opportunity of human communication just because my cell rings.
Personally, I enjoy doing small things for pleasure like taking a break from me being available any time 24 hours through my phone. I disconnect my phone to sleep every night and it remains the same in the morning until I meditate, practice yoga, or write in my journal. It is also off while I am in class or taking a nap.

It wasn't always like that. I used to think that my friends or clients could not live without me and my immediate help. In the name of serving, I got phone calls from friends, ex-boyfriends, clients and drunk people who dial wrong numbers in the middle of the night. Believe me, at some point in my life I was the recipient or midnight misery of so many people, some of them at least paid their sessions afterwords but most of them just let me with a headache and a sleepy day in front of me. Now I trust in God and the self-care spirit within every human being. I also learned that 911 and other people exists and does a very good service while I sleep.

I ask my friends to call twice and say the word emergency for real ones when they live their messages or just leave a normal message for normal communication. I do my best to check my voicemail as soon as possible and return the phone call when I really have time to listen to them. I learned that cell phones can be very helpful to have meaningful contacts as well. Fortunately, for the past few years everything worked out well. I still have friends, clients, and a social life. Actually, my life is better because people realize I will be there for them. . .  even if my phone rings.

Happy cell phone relationship and stay connected until the next post!

Love,
Carmen

No drama, just love

Two days ago, as my yoga class was ending, the teacher said "set an intention for the day". As always, I aim high and complicate my life just for fun.

I set the intention of smiling, open my heart and give love just for one day to every person that I encounter. EVERY person I encounter for just one day.

I know by personal experience that every time I aim for some spiritual growth the universe brings me all kinds of experiences and not all of them easy. The difficult part of being peaceful in not in the big events but in the little ones. 

Well, here I was, very fresh after doing yoga and swimming, driving to school. First question of the day: How can you love the old lady that is crossing the street slowly when you are just on time for class? The answer that works for me is: to breath, to smile and to enjoy the moment. Mmm hmm! very easy to say, but I felt my heart closing a little bit after all of this hard doggy ups and downs in yoga. Somehow, I made it. I smiled and send love to the lady who by the way still was crossing the street at that point.

Three hours went by and I managed to give love, even tough my teacher did not agree with my "special" request. I know he is lovely, he would do it if he could. Again I smiled and send him love. 

Now, the real test arrived... as I came into my boss' office a huge wave of stress and anxiety cough me by surprise. It went directly into my body to the point that I felt rejected. Thanks to my meditation I can write about my body experience now, but of course in the moment I just experienced sadness. She said something, does not matter what and I went directly to my desk with tears. Meditation, yoga, swimming and all of these spiritual activities paid off and helped me to sat and breathe. I thought about how much I really love my boss and how much I appreciate having this job. I closed my eyes and let my body to receive the estrange wave of energy and flow thorough me to the floor. It was hard but magical. After 15 minutes, I was again, ready to go with good humor and love. Ready to see my boss again and smile from my heart. I managed to keep my heart open during the day!

I noticed that lately I generate less drama in my life. Before, I would put so many words to the event in my mind, I would go to share my victimized Carmen with as many people as I could and spread as much misery and possible. This time, breathing and silence is helped me to construct my happiness. I wrote it correctly: To CONSTRUCT my happiness rather than waiting for it to come. I am learning that happiness and peace are decisions I make every day at every moment. Of course, not always succeed but definitively I am doing better. 

I wish you the best and send you love. Until the next post, take care!