Love It or Leave It!

As this this year is ending is inevitable, at least for me, to evaluate my life. Last year, I worked hard to the point that I forgot about my health. The only thing I did for the last four months in 2009 was writing and reading 20 hours a day. I abused my body, and the obvious result was back pain, headaches, and a lot of stress. I did not enjoy the holiday season and the accomplishments seemed unimportant since I still had a long to do list. This 2010, my goal was to make a more pleasant use of my time.
My personal rule, since I was 18 years-old, is to love and have fun in my current occupation or leave it. So far, my rule brought me to wonderful job places related to my mission. Because money is not my priority when choosing a job, usually it comes naturally and in abundance.
Well, this time, I am the one who is paying an abundant tuition. Because, I love the PhD program I am in, I came all the way to California just to do it. Classes and teachers are great. Hence, last January, I seriously considered whether to quit or to deal in a loving way with the intensive workload that a graduate program requires.
I thought, it is not fair to have  PhD in transpersonal if there is no Carmen, the human being, at the end.
 
Therefore, I formulated a plan to stay healthy, happy and still be a successful student: I would meditate, talk to family and friends, cook, eat slowly, watch movies, and take walks with my friend Ma Elena around the block several times a day. I scheduled myself at least one of physical activities a day like yoga, swimming or Aikido. I made my priority to talk by skype with my nieces and nephew who shared their infant challenges like getting a boyfriend in the kindergarden and losing it the next week or how difficult life can be when you are three years-old and your Mom is mad at you because you loose your shocks somewhere in the house. And of course, I signed myself to an online dating service.

I know, it looks like instead of lowering I increased my to do list. Well, it worked!
As soon as I took my life back and start smiling again, I could accomplish everything easier. Now, I write or read for a one-hour period at a time. I can concentrate better and have a better performance. I have fun with my program and my life. The most important thing is that I learned I can trust myself. I can work hard for some days knowing that I  can be relaxed and playful in the same day, the same week or why not within the same activity. I can stand up and dance the outline of my paper, I can sing my ideas or draw until the inspiration comes. The workload is still hard but I am achieving a more balanced and healthy life with discipline. At least I can laugh about it.

I wish you a balanced and joyful life . . . until the next post.

Is loneliness one of your guest this season?

Last night I had a small christmas party with my "brothers" Jeff, Ron and their family.
I know they throw a big party every christmas but I asked for my private one since I will not be in this town on the 24th. They happily agreed. Ron took care of the dinner while Jeff prepared drinks and presents. We ate, drank, and laughed while exchanging pictures of our ancestors. For couple hours I got to enjoy being part of their wonderful family. Thanks Jeff and Ron!
Every year I found very hard to deal with the loneliness and sadness of being alone in this country. There are no work or classes to keep busy my brain, therefore I need to face the fact that my family is far away. Hence, the pictured happy family in the TV commercials becomes difficult to ignore.

However, I am a strong believer that being happy is a decision I make everyday. Thus, in this christmas time, I usually take some private time to acknowledge, embrace, and welcome my christmas loneliness. I open the door to the sadness and all the negative thoughts that want to come in. After all, they are a sign of my humanness . . .  I guess. Anyway, every year we greet each other and make some agreements. We agreed that my "real" family is in Mexico and I we have the option to celebrate with the wonderful new families I got in this country for the last five years. My loneliness is free to send friendly reminders about the sadness I suppose to feel and I will take care of the rest. We have been doing a pretty good team for the last few years.

Thanks to those reminders, I put honest efforts in enjoying the time I have with each person. The results are exciting. I get to have several small christmas parties everywhere. For instance, last November I took presents for my family in Mexico, I got to enjoy the faces of my nieces and nephew opening their presents and had several dinners with my sisters and parents. I also spent a entire day with my Mexican friends where we told each other how important we are in our lives. I am having christmas parties this week in South Dakota. Additionally, on the very christmas day, I am planing to visit the 10 and something mothers I have in California.
Ever since I took the decision of building my Holiday-happiness, I learned that people enjoy being cooperative and playing this game along with me. I have found my perfect way of  dealing with these season. At the end of this game, we all win. We all celebrate each other and enjoy having extended families where christmas loneliness is a very important guest. I can tell than in my journey I have found many other people who deal with the same issue.

Have Make Happy Holidays . . . until the next post.

Pure love comes in various forms

Today December 16th, I am celebrating the four anniversary of my inner transformation. I am writing from the room I lived in four years ago, in a small and snowy town of South Dakota. Back then, the cold weather outside did not matter to me as much as the coldness I felt in my heart. After a recent divorce, I was alone in this country, in a deep depression, living in a women shelter, with no money at all, and homeless. I taught I was worthless. I could barely remember those shiny days in Mexico when I was a successful therapist and speaker. 

In the emotional condition I was, I was positive I could never be helpful to myself or anybody else. For several days, Virginia, a new friend, prepared me a bath with color, bubbles, and nice smells. She insisted that taking a bath is the best and fastest way to restore the soul. I was not in the position to to argue with her about soul restorations and humanistic theories. Virginia is not that much into theories anyway, she is always proud to say that her only school is life besides her middle school diploma. I did not explained to her either that water is scarce in the place I grew up and baths are a luxury. Deep inside I did not believe that my very damaged soul could restored by bubbles. Thus, the bathtub did not see my naked body or soul for several days.
On Dec 16th, 2006 I decided to accept the invitation to come and live in her home. I decided to take the risk of being pampered and loved. Virginia, her boyfriend Jay, her dog, and cats adopted me as a new family member. Of course, the dumb and bubbly bath was ready and I knew it was inevitable. I went into the bath for ten minutes and quickly got out of there. Virginia, my friend and angel smiled and said "one hour my dear, is the minimum you need". She is not a therapist, she is not a teacher and yet she knew about the magical "one hour". Why one hour? Is one hour a magic number for healing baths or therapeutic talks? What I knew those days was that one hour of love and care for myself was a very long time. 

Four years ago, Virginia designated a room in her home, prepared the bath every day for me, listened to me, and put a warm blanket every night. I could only smile, cry, and sleep twenty hours a day. Dog-dog, Virginia's dog, played with me in the snow and taught me how to ski. Marbles, Virginia's cat, spent with me all day and night providing love and company. And Jay, her boyfriend, guided me in my financial recovery plan. I used to lay down in the sofa among cats and dog, listening to Jay's readings and watching Virginia playing with her cats. I also received the love of the several people that visit this home. Nobody asked anything in return. They just loved me and nourish my soul unconditionally.  Every time I apologize to them for not being productive, Virginia smiled and affirmed that one day I would pay forward. She also assured me that I had a lot to give back. Besides my family and friends in Mexico, she believed in my dream of moving to California and became a PhD student and therapist in this country. It took me five months to recover and fly on my own. In 2007, I left Virginia's home with little money but a huge amount of love and dreams. I departed to California knowing nobody but myself. All I had were the blessings of my parents in Mexico and my new family in South Dakota.

After four years, I am here in this house again enjoying Marble's company. Jay is shaveling the snow outside and Virginia is still sleeping in her room. I am just enjoying my self in my new pajamas and the smell of the bubbly bath that, of course, Virginia prepared for me last night as a welcoming gesture. Now, my heart is content and my soul restored. I am a strong, independent, and a happy Californian woman, but I can still indulge myself and receive the love of my family in South Dakota knowing that I have been paying forward at any opportunity I had. For now, I just will huge Marbles and go back to sleep. 

I wish you a bubbly and loving December 16th!

Carmen

How old are you today?

Today is a very special morning. I am writing this post from my bedroom at my parent’s home in Mexico . . . Yes, I still have my own bedroom here! Waking up in the same bedroom that I did when I was a child is helping me to reflect on my real age. Few weeks ago I heard from my teacher Ann Gila that we, humans beings, are like a tree that has rings on its base announcing how old it is. Trees have the rings exposed; they have all the ages at the same time and of course, they do not play games hiding their age. I am positive that I announce my age at every moment whether I want it or not.

Back in the USA I am an adult I swear! However, for good or for bad, I have the emotional flexibility to expose different ages like a tree. For instance, I can fight like a ten year-old girl or behave like an abandoned six for not apparent reason when I am with my partner. Believe me, at those moments it is not that fun for him to witness this flexibility. The good part is that I can also be fifteen and dance at the rhythm of Shakira’s concert in my bedroom or complain with not shame about my back pain like an old lady. I still remember, few months ago when I cried like a kindergarten student in the school bathroom because I misunderstood the teacher instructions and brought different homework. Although, I wish I could conduct myself like a mature and spiritually grown adult at every moment in every single situation I don’t. At least, I would feel good about the huge amount of hours I spend in therapy or, -even worse- giving therapy myself. The reality is that I did not figure out how to be “a mature adult” at every situation yet.

Well, if life gives you lemons . . . I do not know about you, but besides doing boring lemonade, I found my way to have fun with them. Thus, now that I am willing to accept that I am age-ly flexible I’ll use it to my advantage in this trip to Mexico. I will jump deliberately from one age to another in the same day.  It isn’t that fun? For example, I could be six and hug my Dad or laugh with him. I could be a toddler and take a nap on my Mom’s bed. I would be an irresponsible teenager in my sister’s bedroom and spend hours watching TV. I could be a five and play with my little nieces and nephews. Of course, like many other families we have our problems and old arguments, but the advantage of me in living in another country is that both, my family and me are really happy to see each other.  Now, if I want that the money and time spend in therapy pay off, I also could make my life easier and try to guess how old each family member is at every situation, don’t you think?

I wish you the wisdom of the elders with the playfulness of children, and until the nest post . . . keep jumping!

Carmen

Bienvenid@s a mi casa virtual!

Si quieres tomar un cafe virtual con Carmen en español, visita el canal de videos "cafecitovirtual" en youtube:

http://www.youtube.com/user/cafecitovirtual

Que lo disfrutes!

How do I know I am not dead?

This past Tuesday (November 2nd) was the "Day of the Dead" in Mexican culture. This is still one of my favorite days to celebrate. I remember during my childhood days when my parents took my siblings and I to the cemetery to visit our grandmothers' tomb. On November 2^nd, Mexican cemeteries look like a big festival with families, yellow flowers, and a lot of sweet stuff to eat. Besides a few tears and prayers, they were happy family gatherings full of a celebration of life, with jokes, songs, poems, and memories. According to my Mexican traditions, adversity and death is something to embrace and an opportunity to be grateful for what we still have. We joke about being dead and have fun imagining how this world would be without our talents and rich presence. In the traditional poems named “Calaveras,” dedicated to those who are still alive, we let them to know how much we appreciate their presence in our lives.

 Now, with no family, yellow flowers, or even tombs of my love ones near by, it was inevitable for me to look for new ways to celebrate death. I still was able to get the traditional bread in the store, make an altar for my school and joke about death with my best friend Maria Elena.

During the evening I hosted a family gathering (just I and myself) to reflect about my own life and how I am using the inherited wisdom from my ancestors.

I reflected about how many Carmens are dead now. For instance, I know that there was a Carmen who used to be naïve about sex and romantic relationships, a Carmen who used to dance while driving with loud music, a Carmen who used to sing aloud while cleaning home on Saturdays, a Carmen who used to believe everything the boyfriend said, a Carmen who used to believe in Christmas magic and Santa Claus as a child, a Carmen who used to cry every time she had a class presentation, a Carmen who hated rich people just because, a Carmen who angrily protested in the streets against war, government or any other social injustice, a Carmen who used to hate Sundays, a Carmen who was happily unaware of the impact of her powerful fire and burned so many people around, etc.

All of those Carmens are dead now. They enriched my life and made me who I am. I am glad that most of them are gone but I still miss and cry for some others. The point is how I can be alive and enjoy the Carmens I have and I wish not to have. How I can love and make peace with the part of me that still believes in marriage, wants to fall in love, wants to travel around the world, or cries for company. I know that if I do not listen to those parts and understand their needs they are in danger of dying with painful results. Moreover, how do I know what parts of me are alive and waiting for me to recognize them?

Anyhow, this family gathering was a successful new way of celebrating death and life. However, next time I would eat less bread . . . Maybe.

Happy Day of the Dead! And be sure you are fully alive . . . until the next post.

Tea Parties: a crazy exercise to prevent craziness

It is almost six in the morning and I already spent more than an hour in doing my favorite activity to keep my mind in shape: writing about my self, my fears, expectations and even secrets that I am afraid to tell myself once the sun rises. 

I had a tea party with all the inner Carmens I know. . . No, I am not afraid that you may think I am crazy or suffer from multi personality disorder, as my dear friend Scott would say. 

I invite my selves to this tea party every time I am having some different conversations going on in my head. Has that ever happened to you? This feeling of being in inner conflict or indecisive which could be very uncomfortable.

When I face an inner conflict, the contradiction inside me is holding me back the usual joy and peace I experience. This occurs I face an important decision or feel hurt. Thus, I prepare my favorite tea and organize a meeting where the CEO Carmen asks a question or throws out a topic to be analyzed from different perspectives. The CEO Carmen is ready to listen carefully, free of judgment to the others. This sets the tone for each one of the Carmens to listen to each other in a neutral terrain.

I literally stand up and go from one place to another in the circle. However, today I did not want to quite wake up and go out of my bed so I just grabbed my computer and wrote from the perspective of the intellectual Carmen, the emotional Carmen, the sexual Carmen, or the academic one. . .

No I am not crazy . . . Actually this is a very healthy exercise that prevents me from getting wild and loses perspective. I found those tea parties very helpful, especially when I have time to write the conversation in my journal and read it days, months or years later.

Sometimes the tea party is only for two of the Carmens that have a very specific personality and are in conflict. These are more intense parties and fun to witness.

The more I practice the tea parties the more I find that the needs of all of them are pretty basic. For instance those needs could be, to love and be loved, to listen and be listened. It just happens that different parts of me want to accomplish the same mission in opposite ways. They want to protect me. Once all of them are done and feel understood they are ready to delegate the responsibility of taking a final and more informed decision to the CEO Carmen.

The key here is honesty and bravery to admit the very difficult thoughts that I am afraid to say to myself.

So, I wish you wild and rewarding tea parties for your self. I still have left some nice tea to drink. Until the next post . . .Cheers!

The bitten peach

I will "un-dust" my storytelling skills today and write one of my favorite therapeutic stories:

Once upon a time a king was getting ready for his departure to the battle and gave the last instructions to his servants: "Take care of my beloved wife -the Queen, my home and do no use any of my carriages under any circumstance or else I'll kill you without any consideration" He was just married and the young couple said goodbye to each other with sadness. During his absence, the new Queen received the news from the neighbor town about her mother. Fearing that her mother would die, she run to the servants and ask to be transported to her mothers home.

After some back and forth arguments, the servant accepted to transport her under the condition of not telling the King about the trip. "My Lord will kill me, I am afraid,” he said. The queen assured him that she would explain everything and the King would be ok with her decision. They took the trip to mother's home and came back before the King's arrival. Soon after the King arrived, the servant run into him with fear and anxiety. "Please forgive my Lord, I did not want to but she insisted, please have compassion" The King listened to the servant and told him not to be worry because he would listen his wife before making any decision. The queen was in the Palace's garden eating a peach and sitting under a three. The King listened the story from her and agreed with her that there was no need to kill anybody since this was an emergency situation. They both laughed and celebrated their encounter. She offered him the same peach she was eating, which he gladly accepted and both spent the rest of the day joking and playing. Soon, they forgot about the incident.

Ten years later, while drinking and sobbing for his recent divorce, the King was telling to his best friend the story: "She was selfish and a bad person since the beginning, she disobeyed my orders, she put in risk the life of my servant, you know, I could kill him upon my arrival.  Despite the tense situation, she was happy and the most important thing . . . she gave me a bitten peach!"

To my ex-husband, ex lovers and why not, . . . to the future ones: Thank you for the laugh and playing even though I may hate you for the bitten peaches.

Baby steps to spiritual enlightenment: Opening my heart

       As I was doing yoga this morning I heard a profound sentence from Nicole, the teacher, “Open your chest, because this is what warriors do . . . They open their chest and their hearts”.  I am a warrior; I always have been a warrior. However, while in the battle, I am more inclined to act like a close-hearted one: strong and invincible. Today, this woman, who looks to me like a powerful and joyful warrior, is telling me that warriors open their heart, . . . it sounded it like a playful experiment to me. Why not? After all, there is no risk in the yoga class, no enemies here.

Thus, I surrender my self to the pose, I managed to remain balanced and open the chest at the same time. I mean I really aimed for heart opening. Suddenly, a huge wave of pure love and gratitude came to me. I was grateful for the compassion of my yoga teacher, whom every Saturday morning comes in good humor to class, she sings, make jokes, and push us to the limit of our bodies. I was grateful to see the threes through the window, the presence of my classmates, and the opportunity to be alive. A bunch of images came to my mind, since the very strong (and vulnerable) warrior I was 12 years ago when I started teaching psychology and wanted to change the world, to the soft movements I practiced in Aikido class last night: All of them about the warrior Carmen that I am. It also came to my mind, all of those moments when I threw my self into battles with passion and determination but also with anger and frustration. I remembered all of those difficult moments when I wanted to change university programs, and people. How different could it have been if I had just opened my heart while in a battle? This simple intention would have helped me to see and appreciate people’s effort to get things done the way they do.

Now, I am being very conscious of opening my heart more often, whether in yoga, in aikido or in the long line of the supermarket. I do not know yet if this would help me to change lives or university programs but I can tell you that life is getting easier every day for me. Actually, I came to the conclusion that I have a face muscle connected directly to my heart because every time I open my heart, my face inevitably relaxes and my lips stretch to the point that a smile shows up like an encouraging outcome of love and gratitude.  

With an open heart, I wish you get a smile in your face and keep it until the next post!

How does it feel to be perfect?

As I was working yesterday as a teacher assistant, I remained to the teacher about timing. You know, as a good teacher assistant, I wanted to be sure that she would accomplish everything she wants for her class. She laughed and proceeded to the next item in the schedule. The second time I talked about time, she laughed again and with profound love asked me: Carmen, how does it feel to be perfect? We both laughed and I thanked her for the inspiration for my next post.

Well, being perfect, feels exhausting, upsetting and I know is the best way to set my self for deceit and unhappiness. 

For long time, I suffered trying to get in control of situations that I naively thought I could control. For instance, as a child, I wanted to control my parents; as an adult I did my best to control my environment including my bosses, my lovers, and friends. As a CEO I wanted to control everything that happened in the company. That was quite a task! As a mother I wanted to control what my child ate and learned not only at home but also in his school… poor child! As a therapist, I even thought I was getting paid to control the personal growth of my clients. I think that was the most dangerous one. During all this time I taught I was right . . . painfully right.

That's it. Some strong life lessons have taught me that perfection is really painful. Of course the perfectionist in me is still active. I use her for my work and my every day life. However, we have a different relationship: when she demands something I stop and try to understand her need to take over the situation, I can show love to her and I can even laugh with her. This perfectionist Carmen have brought me to the place I am now in my personal and professional life, of course I am grateful for that, but she knows that there are other Carmens that can take care of me. This means that I can work hard but I also can take time off to rest and play.

I've learned that surrender is the most loving thing I can do for myself, and for this perfectionist Carmen. Furthermore, I've learned that surrender and compassion help me to step out of the way for the universe to manifest its magic in my life. 

Right now my perfectionist Carmen keeps telling me that this post is not done, but we both can laugh and push the publish bottom, so I can sleep another hour before my day starts.

I wish you and imperfect and happy time until the next post!

Carmen

Hidden prices of giving

I have very good luck since the very first day that I was born, would say my mom. I can say that I was lucky since the day that I was conceive as I dig into the conception story of my mother. It seems that the conception was a happy moment according to my mother, my father “knew” that he just conceived baby. “Is a girl”, he told her minutes after the fact.
My mom loves telling me this and many other stories about my childhood. For instance, I am the oldest one of three sisters and the only one who was born in a private hospital (sorry sisters). My parents had two miscarriages and they did not want to take the risk of bringing a baby in public places anymore. I really do not know how they afforded to pay but they did. I weighted 5 pounds and they feared also for my life.
The nurse in turn felt in love with me and my family, she wanted to the baptism godmother and she gave me earrings of pure gold. “Pure gold” remarks my mom every time, “but I could not accept the nurse as your godmother, we did not know her that well” she adds every time also. My mom insists that this event and all the gifts that came during my first year of life are responsible for me acting like spoiled and always being lucky.
Maybe she is right. I consider myself a lucky person. People often feel compel to give me something. I am much adjusted to receive small and big, cheap or expensive gifts. Somehow during my gifted life I learned to be grateful and bliss the person from the bottom of my heart. Of course, this multiplies my good luck. Every time I receive a gift I feel such a special feeling of gratitude that is difficult to explain. It could be that I came to this world to learn this specific feeling.
I learned to be very respectful of gifts since every time a person is giving something, is putting his or her energy into it. People have the need to give as much as have the need to receive. Few years ago, I also learned that saying “thank you” whit honesty give me freedom of any emotional debt later on. Before, I often felt guilty of receiving presents, especially when the gifts represented something special for the giver. Now, I know the best thing I can do is paying forward.
I learned that giving and receiving is simple. If I am putting an emotional price in my gift, is better if I recognize that. Finally, I could be hurt if I do not get paid, and most likely I will not get paid if I am unclear about the price. If I contaminate my present with hidden expectations I am also including misery in the packet. This is the “shipping and handling” price that we very often do not disclose to the receiver. It may sounds weird to mention the shipping and handling extra fee but maybe worthier. Let do a quick test: Today, I am writing for the sake of being read. . . (That was hard to admit, let me take time to breath) . . .  and, the best way for you to let me know that you read is to leave a comment, any comment is fine. It is fair to you? This is my feeling today and it may not be other days. How the test was for you?
Well, enough of giving and receiving and go back to work.
Have a gifted day and until the next post!

Carmen

Healthier relationship with my cell phone.

I've improved my cell phone relationship over the past few years. Therefore, this morning I feel sharing my cell phone wisdom.
At the beginning of my cell phone life I bought a Nokia, this was 13 years ago. I still remember how happy and amazed I was of being able to talk on the go.
I did not quite finished to settle my relationship with the home phone when I decided to add a fresh and new adventure to my communication style by getting this Nokia. I had private practice as a psychologist and I wanted to offer to my clients the sweet option to find me every time their impulse ask for it. Back then, I had the luxury of being free from this ugly two year contracts. I just added air time any time I wanted and the number was mine for the rest of my life.
My Nokia did nothing else than phone calls, offered me a handy calculator and the opportunity of saving up to 16 contacts! Oh, I forgot to mention that I also could plug in a hands free item.
I was 26 year old as I was a graduate student by the time I got it so, by then, I was quite adjusted to my life without instant communication. This means, I grew up in a world where "I love you" "how are you" and "see you later" were complete sentences and they were either said to the person or sent it in a decent paper letter. Sometimes those complete sentences traveled hand by hand in a piece of paper hiding from the teacher in turn.
Now, everything is in text msg and short like many other pleasures in life. I still do not get adjusted to that. Maybe this is way I only get to spend 10 out of the 200 msgs I am entitle to use every month.

Anyway, now the cell phone and I have a clear relationship...he serves me!

I know I can interrupt a conversation with somebody if my phone rings and most of the times I decide not to do so.
I know I could text in class, while driving or while doing other things, but I decide not to do so. I refuse to put in danger so many lives in the highway including mine and the wonderful opportunity of human communication just because my cell rings.
Personally, I enjoy doing small things for pleasure like taking a break from me being available any time 24 hours through my phone. I disconnect my phone to sleep every night and it remains the same in the morning until I meditate, practice yoga, or write in my journal. It is also off while I am in class or taking a nap.

It wasn't always like that. I used to think that my friends or clients could not live without me and my immediate help. In the name of serving, I got phone calls from friends, ex-boyfriends, clients and drunk people who dial wrong numbers in the middle of the night. Believe me, at some point in my life I was the recipient or midnight misery of so many people, some of them at least paid their sessions afterwords but most of them just let me with a headache and a sleepy day in front of me. Now I trust in God and the self-care spirit within every human being. I also learned that 911 and other people exists and does a very good service while I sleep.

I ask my friends to call twice and say the word emergency for real ones when they live their messages or just leave a normal message for normal communication. I do my best to check my voicemail as soon as possible and return the phone call when I really have time to listen to them. I learned that cell phones can be very helpful to have meaningful contacts as well. Fortunately, for the past few years everything worked out well. I still have friends, clients, and a social life. Actually, my life is better because people realize I will be there for them. . .  even if my phone rings.

Happy cell phone relationship and stay connected until the next post!

Love,
Carmen

No drama, just love

Two days ago, as my yoga class was ending, the teacher said "set an intention for the day". As always, I aim high and complicate my life just for fun.

I set the intention of smiling, open my heart and give love just for one day to every person that I encounter. EVERY person I encounter for just one day.

I know by personal experience that every time I aim for some spiritual growth the universe brings me all kinds of experiences and not all of them easy. The difficult part of being peaceful in not in the big events but in the little ones. 

Well, here I was, very fresh after doing yoga and swimming, driving to school. First question of the day: How can you love the old lady that is crossing the street slowly when you are just on time for class? The answer that works for me is: to breath, to smile and to enjoy the moment. Mmm hmm! very easy to say, but I felt my heart closing a little bit after all of this hard doggy ups and downs in yoga. Somehow, I made it. I smiled and send love to the lady who by the way still was crossing the street at that point.

Three hours went by and I managed to give love, even tough my teacher did not agree with my "special" request. I know he is lovely, he would do it if he could. Again I smiled and send him love. 

Now, the real test arrived... as I came into my boss' office a huge wave of stress and anxiety cough me by surprise. It went directly into my body to the point that I felt rejected. Thanks to my meditation I can write about my body experience now, but of course in the moment I just experienced sadness. She said something, does not matter what and I went directly to my desk with tears. Meditation, yoga, swimming and all of these spiritual activities paid off and helped me to sat and breathe. I thought about how much I really love my boss and how much I appreciate having this job. I closed my eyes and let my body to receive the estrange wave of energy and flow thorough me to the floor. It was hard but magical. After 15 minutes, I was again, ready to go with good humor and love. Ready to see my boss again and smile from my heart. I managed to keep my heart open during the day!

I noticed that lately I generate less drama in my life. Before, I would put so many words to the event in my mind, I would go to share my victimized Carmen with as many people as I could and spread as much misery and possible. This time, breathing and silence is helped me to construct my happiness. I wrote it correctly: To CONSTRUCT my happiness rather than waiting for it to come. I am learning that happiness and peace are decisions I make every day at every moment. Of course, not always succeed but definitively I am doing better. 

I wish you the best and send you love. Until the next post, take care!

My challenge could be your lesson!

Hello friends,

My name is Carmen. I am a graduate student in Palo Alto and I am ready to share my thoughts with you every morning.
I wanted to fulfill my dream about communicating my learned lessons about life but could not do it because English is my second language. I think now, is the right time to let go my fear of showing how imperfect my grammar is. This morning I thought, about all the what ifs that I am using to hold my self back in many areas of my life. Well, I am ready to let go some of those what ifs.

I started writing in English two years ago and more intensively one year ago because of my graduate program. For the past year, every single time that I turned in a homework, some of my classmates or my tutor did the editing for me. It was hard but I am learning to do better now and I can be independent in small tasks now. Can imagine that you need somebody near you every time you are writing an email, a homework or a letter to someone else?

This blog has the purpose of challenge myself and be helpful to others at the same time by bringing topics that are part of our human nature.

I have three mayor challenges for now and they are the following:

The first challenge I want to take. I'll overcome my shyness about my English skills, write in whatever English I know and I hope that you understand the main idea I am trying to convey. I guess this would need some patience and compassion on your side.

Second challenge is to receive the feedback. I am open to receive your comments about grammar since this will help me to improve. Maybe this also encourage so many people that are not going to school because they do not know enough English and we all learn English together. Please be soft but firm with your grammar comments. I'll learn, I promise.

The third challenge is to open my heart and write with honesty and integrity about my inner experience and the lesson learned this first 39 years of my life. Some mornings I just may share my history.

Well, that is for today and have a wonderful day!
Carmen