Love It or Leave It!

As this this year is ending is inevitable, at least for me, to evaluate my life. Last year, I worked hard to the point that I forgot about my health. The only thing I did for the last four months in 2009 was writing and reading 20 hours a day. I abused my body, and the obvious result was back pain, headaches, and a lot of stress. I did not enjoy the holiday season and the accomplishments seemed unimportant since I still had a long to do list. This 2010, my goal was to make a more pleasant use of my time.
My personal rule, since I was 18 years-old, is to love and have fun in my current occupation or leave it. So far, my rule brought me to wonderful job places related to my mission. Because money is not my priority when choosing a job, usually it comes naturally and in abundance.
Well, this time, I am the one who is paying an abundant tuition. Because, I love the PhD program I am in, I came all the way to California just to do it. Classes and teachers are great. Hence, last January, I seriously considered whether to quit or to deal in a loving way with the intensive workload that a graduate program requires.
I thought, it is not fair to have  PhD in transpersonal if there is no Carmen, the human being, at the end.
 
Therefore, I formulated a plan to stay healthy, happy and still be a successful student: I would meditate, talk to family and friends, cook, eat slowly, watch movies, and take walks with my friend Ma Elena around the block several times a day. I scheduled myself at least one of physical activities a day like yoga, swimming or Aikido. I made my priority to talk by skype with my nieces and nephew who shared their infant challenges like getting a boyfriend in the kindergarden and losing it the next week or how difficult life can be when you are three years-old and your Mom is mad at you because you loose your shocks somewhere in the house. And of course, I signed myself to an online dating service.

I know, it looks like instead of lowering I increased my to do list. Well, it worked!
As soon as I took my life back and start smiling again, I could accomplish everything easier. Now, I write or read for a one-hour period at a time. I can concentrate better and have a better performance. I have fun with my program and my life. The most important thing is that I learned I can trust myself. I can work hard for some days knowing that I  can be relaxed and playful in the same day, the same week or why not within the same activity. I can stand up and dance the outline of my paper, I can sing my ideas or draw until the inspiration comes. The workload is still hard but I am achieving a more balanced and healthy life with discipline. At least I can laugh about it.

I wish you a balanced and joyful life . . . until the next post.

Is loneliness one of your guest this season?

Last night I had a small christmas party with my "brothers" Jeff, Ron and their family.
I know they throw a big party every christmas but I asked for my private one since I will not be in this town on the 24th. They happily agreed. Ron took care of the dinner while Jeff prepared drinks and presents. We ate, drank, and laughed while exchanging pictures of our ancestors. For couple hours I got to enjoy being part of their wonderful family. Thanks Jeff and Ron!
Every year I found very hard to deal with the loneliness and sadness of being alone in this country. There are no work or classes to keep busy my brain, therefore I need to face the fact that my family is far away. Hence, the pictured happy family in the TV commercials becomes difficult to ignore.

However, I am a strong believer that being happy is a decision I make everyday. Thus, in this christmas time, I usually take some private time to acknowledge, embrace, and welcome my christmas loneliness. I open the door to the sadness and all the negative thoughts that want to come in. After all, they are a sign of my humanness . . .  I guess. Anyway, every year we greet each other and make some agreements. We agreed that my "real" family is in Mexico and I we have the option to celebrate with the wonderful new families I got in this country for the last five years. My loneliness is free to send friendly reminders about the sadness I suppose to feel and I will take care of the rest. We have been doing a pretty good team for the last few years.

Thanks to those reminders, I put honest efforts in enjoying the time I have with each person. The results are exciting. I get to have several small christmas parties everywhere. For instance, last November I took presents for my family in Mexico, I got to enjoy the faces of my nieces and nephew opening their presents and had several dinners with my sisters and parents. I also spent a entire day with my Mexican friends where we told each other how important we are in our lives. I am having christmas parties this week in South Dakota. Additionally, on the very christmas day, I am planing to visit the 10 and something mothers I have in California.
Ever since I took the decision of building my Holiday-happiness, I learned that people enjoy being cooperative and playing this game along with me. I have found my perfect way of  dealing with these season. At the end of this game, we all win. We all celebrate each other and enjoy having extended families where christmas loneliness is a very important guest. I can tell than in my journey I have found many other people who deal with the same issue.

Have Make Happy Holidays . . . until the next post.

Pure love comes in various forms

Today December 16th, I am celebrating the four anniversary of my inner transformation. I am writing from the room I lived in four years ago, in a small and snowy town of South Dakota. Back then, the cold weather outside did not matter to me as much as the coldness I felt in my heart. After a recent divorce, I was alone in this country, in a deep depression, living in a women shelter, with no money at all, and homeless. I taught I was worthless. I could barely remember those shiny days in Mexico when I was a successful therapist and speaker. 

In the emotional condition I was, I was positive I could never be helpful to myself or anybody else. For several days, Virginia, a new friend, prepared me a bath with color, bubbles, and nice smells. She insisted that taking a bath is the best and fastest way to restore the soul. I was not in the position to to argue with her about soul restorations and humanistic theories. Virginia is not that much into theories anyway, she is always proud to say that her only school is life besides her middle school diploma. I did not explained to her either that water is scarce in the place I grew up and baths are a luxury. Deep inside I did not believe that my very damaged soul could restored by bubbles. Thus, the bathtub did not see my naked body or soul for several days.
On Dec 16th, 2006 I decided to accept the invitation to come and live in her home. I decided to take the risk of being pampered and loved. Virginia, her boyfriend Jay, her dog, and cats adopted me as a new family member. Of course, the dumb and bubbly bath was ready and I knew it was inevitable. I went into the bath for ten minutes and quickly got out of there. Virginia, my friend and angel smiled and said "one hour my dear, is the minimum you need". She is not a therapist, she is not a teacher and yet she knew about the magical "one hour". Why one hour? Is one hour a magic number for healing baths or therapeutic talks? What I knew those days was that one hour of love and care for myself was a very long time. 

Four years ago, Virginia designated a room in her home, prepared the bath every day for me, listened to me, and put a warm blanket every night. I could only smile, cry, and sleep twenty hours a day. Dog-dog, Virginia's dog, played with me in the snow and taught me how to ski. Marbles, Virginia's cat, spent with me all day and night providing love and company. And Jay, her boyfriend, guided me in my financial recovery plan. I used to lay down in the sofa among cats and dog, listening to Jay's readings and watching Virginia playing with her cats. I also received the love of the several people that visit this home. Nobody asked anything in return. They just loved me and nourish my soul unconditionally.  Every time I apologize to them for not being productive, Virginia smiled and affirmed that one day I would pay forward. She also assured me that I had a lot to give back. Besides my family and friends in Mexico, she believed in my dream of moving to California and became a PhD student and therapist in this country. It took me five months to recover and fly on my own. In 2007, I left Virginia's home with little money but a huge amount of love and dreams. I departed to California knowing nobody but myself. All I had were the blessings of my parents in Mexico and my new family in South Dakota.

After four years, I am here in this house again enjoying Marble's company. Jay is shaveling the snow outside and Virginia is still sleeping in her room. I am just enjoying my self in my new pajamas and the smell of the bubbly bath that, of course, Virginia prepared for me last night as a welcoming gesture. Now, my heart is content and my soul restored. I am a strong, independent, and a happy Californian woman, but I can still indulge myself and receive the love of my family in South Dakota knowing that I have been paying forward at any opportunity I had. For now, I just will huge Marbles and go back to sleep. 

I wish you a bubbly and loving December 16th!

Carmen