How old are you today?

Today is a very special morning. I am writing this post from my bedroom at my parent’s home in Mexico . . . Yes, I still have my own bedroom here! Waking up in the same bedroom that I did when I was a child is helping me to reflect on my real age. Few weeks ago I heard from my teacher Ann Gila that we, humans beings, are like a tree that has rings on its base announcing how old it is. Trees have the rings exposed; they have all the ages at the same time and of course, they do not play games hiding their age. I am positive that I announce my age at every moment whether I want it or not.

Back in the USA I am an adult I swear! However, for good or for bad, I have the emotional flexibility to expose different ages like a tree. For instance, I can fight like a ten year-old girl or behave like an abandoned six for not apparent reason when I am with my partner. Believe me, at those moments it is not that fun for him to witness this flexibility. The good part is that I can also be fifteen and dance at the rhythm of Shakira’s concert in my bedroom or complain with not shame about my back pain like an old lady. I still remember, few months ago when I cried like a kindergarten student in the school bathroom because I misunderstood the teacher instructions and brought different homework. Although, I wish I could conduct myself like a mature and spiritually grown adult at every moment in every single situation I don’t. At least, I would feel good about the huge amount of hours I spend in therapy or, -even worse- giving therapy myself. The reality is that I did not figure out how to be “a mature adult” at every situation yet.

Well, if life gives you lemons . . . I do not know about you, but besides doing boring lemonade, I found my way to have fun with them. Thus, now that I am willing to accept that I am age-ly flexible I’ll use it to my advantage in this trip to Mexico. I will jump deliberately from one age to another in the same day.  It isn’t that fun? For example, I could be six and hug my Dad or laugh with him. I could be a toddler and take a nap on my Mom’s bed. I would be an irresponsible teenager in my sister’s bedroom and spend hours watching TV. I could be a five and play with my little nieces and nephews. Of course, like many other families we have our problems and old arguments, but the advantage of me in living in another country is that both, my family and me are really happy to see each other.  Now, if I want that the money and time spend in therapy pay off, I also could make my life easier and try to guess how old each family member is at every situation, don’t you think?

I wish you the wisdom of the elders with the playfulness of children, and until the nest post . . . keep jumping!

Carmen

Bienvenid@s a mi casa virtual!

Si quieres tomar un cafe virtual con Carmen en español, visita el canal de videos "cafecitovirtual" en youtube:

http://www.youtube.com/user/cafecitovirtual

Que lo disfrutes!

How do I know I am not dead?

This past Tuesday (November 2nd) was the "Day of the Dead" in Mexican culture. This is still one of my favorite days to celebrate. I remember during my childhood days when my parents took my siblings and I to the cemetery to visit our grandmothers' tomb. On November 2^nd, Mexican cemeteries look like a big festival with families, yellow flowers, and a lot of sweet stuff to eat. Besides a few tears and prayers, they were happy family gatherings full of a celebration of life, with jokes, songs, poems, and memories. According to my Mexican traditions, adversity and death is something to embrace and an opportunity to be grateful for what we still have. We joke about being dead and have fun imagining how this world would be without our talents and rich presence. In the traditional poems named “Calaveras,” dedicated to those who are still alive, we let them to know how much we appreciate their presence in our lives.

 Now, with no family, yellow flowers, or even tombs of my love ones near by, it was inevitable for me to look for new ways to celebrate death. I still was able to get the traditional bread in the store, make an altar for my school and joke about death with my best friend Maria Elena.

During the evening I hosted a family gathering (just I and myself) to reflect about my own life and how I am using the inherited wisdom from my ancestors.

I reflected about how many Carmens are dead now. For instance, I know that there was a Carmen who used to be naïve about sex and romantic relationships, a Carmen who used to dance while driving with loud music, a Carmen who used to sing aloud while cleaning home on Saturdays, a Carmen who used to believe everything the boyfriend said, a Carmen who used to believe in Christmas magic and Santa Claus as a child, a Carmen who used to cry every time she had a class presentation, a Carmen who hated rich people just because, a Carmen who angrily protested in the streets against war, government or any other social injustice, a Carmen who used to hate Sundays, a Carmen who was happily unaware of the impact of her powerful fire and burned so many people around, etc.

All of those Carmens are dead now. They enriched my life and made me who I am. I am glad that most of them are gone but I still miss and cry for some others. The point is how I can be alive and enjoy the Carmens I have and I wish not to have. How I can love and make peace with the part of me that still believes in marriage, wants to fall in love, wants to travel around the world, or cries for company. I know that if I do not listen to those parts and understand their needs they are in danger of dying with painful results. Moreover, how do I know what parts of me are alive and waiting for me to recognize them?

Anyhow, this family gathering was a successful new way of celebrating death and life. However, next time I would eat less bread . . . Maybe.

Happy Day of the Dead! And be sure you are fully alive . . . until the next post.

Tea Parties: a crazy exercise to prevent craziness

It is almost six in the morning and I already spent more than an hour in doing my favorite activity to keep my mind in shape: writing about my self, my fears, expectations and even secrets that I am afraid to tell myself once the sun rises. 

I had a tea party with all the inner Carmens I know. . . No, I am not afraid that you may think I am crazy or suffer from multi personality disorder, as my dear friend Scott would say. 

I invite my selves to this tea party every time I am having some different conversations going on in my head. Has that ever happened to you? This feeling of being in inner conflict or indecisive which could be very uncomfortable.

When I face an inner conflict, the contradiction inside me is holding me back the usual joy and peace I experience. This occurs I face an important decision or feel hurt. Thus, I prepare my favorite tea and organize a meeting where the CEO Carmen asks a question or throws out a topic to be analyzed from different perspectives. The CEO Carmen is ready to listen carefully, free of judgment to the others. This sets the tone for each one of the Carmens to listen to each other in a neutral terrain.

I literally stand up and go from one place to another in the circle. However, today I did not want to quite wake up and go out of my bed so I just grabbed my computer and wrote from the perspective of the intellectual Carmen, the emotional Carmen, the sexual Carmen, or the academic one. . .

No I am not crazy . . . Actually this is a very healthy exercise that prevents me from getting wild and loses perspective. I found those tea parties very helpful, especially when I have time to write the conversation in my journal and read it days, months or years later.

Sometimes the tea party is only for two of the Carmens that have a very specific personality and are in conflict. These are more intense parties and fun to witness.

The more I practice the tea parties the more I find that the needs of all of them are pretty basic. For instance those needs could be, to love and be loved, to listen and be listened. It just happens that different parts of me want to accomplish the same mission in opposite ways. They want to protect me. Once all of them are done and feel understood they are ready to delegate the responsibility of taking a final and more informed decision to the CEO Carmen.

The key here is honesty and bravery to admit the very difficult thoughts that I am afraid to say to myself.

So, I wish you wild and rewarding tea parties for your self. I still have left some nice tea to drink. Until the next post . . .Cheers!

The bitten peach

I will "un-dust" my storytelling skills today and write one of my favorite therapeutic stories:

Once upon a time a king was getting ready for his departure to the battle and gave the last instructions to his servants: "Take care of my beloved wife -the Queen, my home and do no use any of my carriages under any circumstance or else I'll kill you without any consideration" He was just married and the young couple said goodbye to each other with sadness. During his absence, the new Queen received the news from the neighbor town about her mother. Fearing that her mother would die, she run to the servants and ask to be transported to her mothers home.

After some back and forth arguments, the servant accepted to transport her under the condition of not telling the King about the trip. "My Lord will kill me, I am afraid,” he said. The queen assured him that she would explain everything and the King would be ok with her decision. They took the trip to mother's home and came back before the King's arrival. Soon after the King arrived, the servant run into him with fear and anxiety. "Please forgive my Lord, I did not want to but she insisted, please have compassion" The King listened to the servant and told him not to be worry because he would listen his wife before making any decision. The queen was in the Palace's garden eating a peach and sitting under a three. The King listened the story from her and agreed with her that there was no need to kill anybody since this was an emergency situation. They both laughed and celebrated their encounter. She offered him the same peach she was eating, which he gladly accepted and both spent the rest of the day joking and playing. Soon, they forgot about the incident.

Ten years later, while drinking and sobbing for his recent divorce, the King was telling to his best friend the story: "She was selfish and a bad person since the beginning, she disobeyed my orders, she put in risk the life of my servant, you know, I could kill him upon my arrival.  Despite the tense situation, she was happy and the most important thing . . . she gave me a bitten peach!"

To my ex-husband, ex lovers and why not, . . . to the future ones: Thank you for the laugh and playing even though I may hate you for the bitten peaches.

Baby steps to spiritual enlightenment: Opening my heart

       As I was doing yoga this morning I heard a profound sentence from Nicole, the teacher, “Open your chest, because this is what warriors do . . . They open their chest and their hearts”.  I am a warrior; I always have been a warrior. However, while in the battle, I am more inclined to act like a close-hearted one: strong and invincible. Today, this woman, who looks to me like a powerful and joyful warrior, is telling me that warriors open their heart, . . . it sounded it like a playful experiment to me. Why not? After all, there is no risk in the yoga class, no enemies here.

Thus, I surrender my self to the pose, I managed to remain balanced and open the chest at the same time. I mean I really aimed for heart opening. Suddenly, a huge wave of pure love and gratitude came to me. I was grateful for the compassion of my yoga teacher, whom every Saturday morning comes in good humor to class, she sings, make jokes, and push us to the limit of our bodies. I was grateful to see the threes through the window, the presence of my classmates, and the opportunity to be alive. A bunch of images came to my mind, since the very strong (and vulnerable) warrior I was 12 years ago when I started teaching psychology and wanted to change the world, to the soft movements I practiced in Aikido class last night: All of them about the warrior Carmen that I am. It also came to my mind, all of those moments when I threw my self into battles with passion and determination but also with anger and frustration. I remembered all of those difficult moments when I wanted to change university programs, and people. How different could it have been if I had just opened my heart while in a battle? This simple intention would have helped me to see and appreciate people’s effort to get things done the way they do.

Now, I am being very conscious of opening my heart more often, whether in yoga, in aikido or in the long line of the supermarket. I do not know yet if this would help me to change lives or university programs but I can tell you that life is getting easier every day for me. Actually, I came to the conclusion that I have a face muscle connected directly to my heart because every time I open my heart, my face inevitably relaxes and my lips stretch to the point that a smile shows up like an encouraging outcome of love and gratitude.  

With an open heart, I wish you get a smile in your face and keep it until the next post!

How does it feel to be perfect?

As I was working yesterday as a teacher assistant, I remained to the teacher about timing. You know, as a good teacher assistant, I wanted to be sure that she would accomplish everything she wants for her class. She laughed and proceeded to the next item in the schedule. The second time I talked about time, she laughed again and with profound love asked me: Carmen, how does it feel to be perfect? We both laughed and I thanked her for the inspiration for my next post.

Well, being perfect, feels exhausting, upsetting and I know is the best way to set my self for deceit and unhappiness. 

For long time, I suffered trying to get in control of situations that I naively thought I could control. For instance, as a child, I wanted to control my parents; as an adult I did my best to control my environment including my bosses, my lovers, and friends. As a CEO I wanted to control everything that happened in the company. That was quite a task! As a mother I wanted to control what my child ate and learned not only at home but also in his school… poor child! As a therapist, I even thought I was getting paid to control the personal growth of my clients. I think that was the most dangerous one. During all this time I taught I was right . . . painfully right.

That's it. Some strong life lessons have taught me that perfection is really painful. Of course the perfectionist in me is still active. I use her for my work and my every day life. However, we have a different relationship: when she demands something I stop and try to understand her need to take over the situation, I can show love to her and I can even laugh with her. This perfectionist Carmen have brought me to the place I am now in my personal and professional life, of course I am grateful for that, but she knows that there are other Carmens that can take care of me. This means that I can work hard but I also can take time off to rest and play.

I've learned that surrender is the most loving thing I can do for myself, and for this perfectionist Carmen. Furthermore, I've learned that surrender and compassion help me to step out of the way for the universe to manifest its magic in my life. 

Right now my perfectionist Carmen keeps telling me that this post is not done, but we both can laugh and push the publish bottom, so I can sleep another hour before my day starts.

I wish you and imperfect and happy time until the next post!

Carmen