Love It or Leave It!

As this this year is ending is inevitable, at least for me, to evaluate my life. Last year, I worked hard to the point that I forgot about my health. The only thing I did for the last four months in 2009 was writing and reading 20 hours a day. I abused my body, and the obvious result was back pain, headaches, and a lot of stress. I did not enjoy the holiday season and the accomplishments seemed unimportant since I still had a long to do list. This 2010, my goal was to make a more pleasant use of my time.
My personal rule, since I was 18 years-old, is to love and have fun in my current occupation or leave it. So far, my rule brought me to wonderful job places related to my mission. Because money is not my priority when choosing a job, usually it comes naturally and in abundance.
Well, this time, I am the one who is paying an abundant tuition. Because, I love the PhD program I am in, I came all the way to California just to do it. Classes and teachers are great. Hence, last January, I seriously considered whether to quit or to deal in a loving way with the intensive workload that a graduate program requires.
I thought, it is not fair to have  PhD in transpersonal if there is no Carmen, the human being, at the end.
 
Therefore, I formulated a plan to stay healthy, happy and still be a successful student: I would meditate, talk to family and friends, cook, eat slowly, watch movies, and take walks with my friend Ma Elena around the block several times a day. I scheduled myself at least one of physical activities a day like yoga, swimming or Aikido. I made my priority to talk by skype with my nieces and nephew who shared their infant challenges like getting a boyfriend in the kindergarden and losing it the next week or how difficult life can be when you are three years-old and your Mom is mad at you because you loose your shocks somewhere in the house. And of course, I signed myself to an online dating service.

I know, it looks like instead of lowering I increased my to do list. Well, it worked!
As soon as I took my life back and start smiling again, I could accomplish everything easier. Now, I write or read for a one-hour period at a time. I can concentrate better and have a better performance. I have fun with my program and my life. The most important thing is that I learned I can trust myself. I can work hard for some days knowing that I  can be relaxed and playful in the same day, the same week or why not within the same activity. I can stand up and dance the outline of my paper, I can sing my ideas or draw until the inspiration comes. The workload is still hard but I am achieving a more balanced and healthy life with discipline. At least I can laugh about it.

I wish you a balanced and joyful life . . . until the next post.

Is loneliness one of your guest this season?

Last night I had a small christmas party with my "brothers" Jeff, Ron and their family.
I know they throw a big party every christmas but I asked for my private one since I will not be in this town on the 24th. They happily agreed. Ron took care of the dinner while Jeff prepared drinks and presents. We ate, drank, and laughed while exchanging pictures of our ancestors. For couple hours I got to enjoy being part of their wonderful family. Thanks Jeff and Ron!
Every year I found very hard to deal with the loneliness and sadness of being alone in this country. There are no work or classes to keep busy my brain, therefore I need to face the fact that my family is far away. Hence, the pictured happy family in the TV commercials becomes difficult to ignore.

However, I am a strong believer that being happy is a decision I make everyday. Thus, in this christmas time, I usually take some private time to acknowledge, embrace, and welcome my christmas loneliness. I open the door to the sadness and all the negative thoughts that want to come in. After all, they are a sign of my humanness . . .  I guess. Anyway, every year we greet each other and make some agreements. We agreed that my "real" family is in Mexico and I we have the option to celebrate with the wonderful new families I got in this country for the last five years. My loneliness is free to send friendly reminders about the sadness I suppose to feel and I will take care of the rest. We have been doing a pretty good team for the last few years.

Thanks to those reminders, I put honest efforts in enjoying the time I have with each person. The results are exciting. I get to have several small christmas parties everywhere. For instance, last November I took presents for my family in Mexico, I got to enjoy the faces of my nieces and nephew opening their presents and had several dinners with my sisters and parents. I also spent a entire day with my Mexican friends where we told each other how important we are in our lives. I am having christmas parties this week in South Dakota. Additionally, on the very christmas day, I am planing to visit the 10 and something mothers I have in California.
Ever since I took the decision of building my Holiday-happiness, I learned that people enjoy being cooperative and playing this game along with me. I have found my perfect way of  dealing with these season. At the end of this game, we all win. We all celebrate each other and enjoy having extended families where christmas loneliness is a very important guest. I can tell than in my journey I have found many other people who deal with the same issue.

Have Make Happy Holidays . . . until the next post.

Pure love comes in various forms

Today December 16th, I am celebrating the four anniversary of my inner transformation. I am writing from the room I lived in four years ago, in a small and snowy town of South Dakota. Back then, the cold weather outside did not matter to me as much as the coldness I felt in my heart. After a recent divorce, I was alone in this country, in a deep depression, living in a women shelter, with no money at all, and homeless. I taught I was worthless. I could barely remember those shiny days in Mexico when I was a successful therapist and speaker. 

In the emotional condition I was, I was positive I could never be helpful to myself or anybody else. For several days, Virginia, a new friend, prepared me a bath with color, bubbles, and nice smells. She insisted that taking a bath is the best and fastest way to restore the soul. I was not in the position to to argue with her about soul restorations and humanistic theories. Virginia is not that much into theories anyway, she is always proud to say that her only school is life besides her middle school diploma. I did not explained to her either that water is scarce in the place I grew up and baths are a luxury. Deep inside I did not believe that my very damaged soul could restored by bubbles. Thus, the bathtub did not see my naked body or soul for several days.
On Dec 16th, 2006 I decided to accept the invitation to come and live in her home. I decided to take the risk of being pampered and loved. Virginia, her boyfriend Jay, her dog, and cats adopted me as a new family member. Of course, the dumb and bubbly bath was ready and I knew it was inevitable. I went into the bath for ten minutes and quickly got out of there. Virginia, my friend and angel smiled and said "one hour my dear, is the minimum you need". She is not a therapist, she is not a teacher and yet she knew about the magical "one hour". Why one hour? Is one hour a magic number for healing baths or therapeutic talks? What I knew those days was that one hour of love and care for myself was a very long time. 

Four years ago, Virginia designated a room in her home, prepared the bath every day for me, listened to me, and put a warm blanket every night. I could only smile, cry, and sleep twenty hours a day. Dog-dog, Virginia's dog, played with me in the snow and taught me how to ski. Marbles, Virginia's cat, spent with me all day and night providing love and company. And Jay, her boyfriend, guided me in my financial recovery plan. I used to lay down in the sofa among cats and dog, listening to Jay's readings and watching Virginia playing with her cats. I also received the love of the several people that visit this home. Nobody asked anything in return. They just loved me and nourish my soul unconditionally.  Every time I apologize to them for not being productive, Virginia smiled and affirmed that one day I would pay forward. She also assured me that I had a lot to give back. Besides my family and friends in Mexico, she believed in my dream of moving to California and became a PhD student and therapist in this country. It took me five months to recover and fly on my own. In 2007, I left Virginia's home with little money but a huge amount of love and dreams. I departed to California knowing nobody but myself. All I had were the blessings of my parents in Mexico and my new family in South Dakota.

After four years, I am here in this house again enjoying Marble's company. Jay is shaveling the snow outside and Virginia is still sleeping in her room. I am just enjoying my self in my new pajamas and the smell of the bubbly bath that, of course, Virginia prepared for me last night as a welcoming gesture. Now, my heart is content and my soul restored. I am a strong, independent, and a happy Californian woman, but I can still indulge myself and receive the love of my family in South Dakota knowing that I have been paying forward at any opportunity I had. For now, I just will huge Marbles and go back to sleep. 

I wish you a bubbly and loving December 16th!

Carmen

How old are you today?

Today is a very special morning. I am writing this post from my bedroom at my parent’s home in Mexico . . . Yes, I still have my own bedroom here! Waking up in the same bedroom that I did when I was a child is helping me to reflect on my real age. Few weeks ago I heard from my teacher Ann Gila that we, humans beings, are like a tree that has rings on its base announcing how old it is. Trees have the rings exposed; they have all the ages at the same time and of course, they do not play games hiding their age. I am positive that I announce my age at every moment whether I want it or not.

Back in the USA I am an adult I swear! However, for good or for bad, I have the emotional flexibility to expose different ages like a tree. For instance, I can fight like a ten year-old girl or behave like an abandoned six for not apparent reason when I am with my partner. Believe me, at those moments it is not that fun for him to witness this flexibility. The good part is that I can also be fifteen and dance at the rhythm of Shakira’s concert in my bedroom or complain with not shame about my back pain like an old lady. I still remember, few months ago when I cried like a kindergarten student in the school bathroom because I misunderstood the teacher instructions and brought different homework. Although, I wish I could conduct myself like a mature and spiritually grown adult at every moment in every single situation I don’t. At least, I would feel good about the huge amount of hours I spend in therapy or, -even worse- giving therapy myself. The reality is that I did not figure out how to be “a mature adult” at every situation yet.

Well, if life gives you lemons . . . I do not know about you, but besides doing boring lemonade, I found my way to have fun with them. Thus, now that I am willing to accept that I am age-ly flexible I’ll use it to my advantage in this trip to Mexico. I will jump deliberately from one age to another in the same day.  It isn’t that fun? For example, I could be six and hug my Dad or laugh with him. I could be a toddler and take a nap on my Mom’s bed. I would be an irresponsible teenager in my sister’s bedroom and spend hours watching TV. I could be a five and play with my little nieces and nephews. Of course, like many other families we have our problems and old arguments, but the advantage of me in living in another country is that both, my family and me are really happy to see each other.  Now, if I want that the money and time spend in therapy pay off, I also could make my life easier and try to guess how old each family member is at every situation, don’t you think?

I wish you the wisdom of the elders with the playfulness of children, and until the nest post . . . keep jumping!

Carmen

Bienvenid@s a mi casa virtual!

Si quieres tomar un cafe virtual con Carmen en español, visita el canal de videos "cafecitovirtual" en youtube:

http://www.youtube.com/user/cafecitovirtual

Que lo disfrutes!

How do I know I am not dead?

This past Tuesday (November 2nd) was the "Day of the Dead" in Mexican culture. This is still one of my favorite days to celebrate. I remember during my childhood days when my parents took my siblings and I to the cemetery to visit our grandmothers' tomb. On November 2^nd, Mexican cemeteries look like a big festival with families, yellow flowers, and a lot of sweet stuff to eat. Besides a few tears and prayers, they were happy family gatherings full of a celebration of life, with jokes, songs, poems, and memories. According to my Mexican traditions, adversity and death is something to embrace and an opportunity to be grateful for what we still have. We joke about being dead and have fun imagining how this world would be without our talents and rich presence. In the traditional poems named “Calaveras,” dedicated to those who are still alive, we let them to know how much we appreciate their presence in our lives.

 Now, with no family, yellow flowers, or even tombs of my love ones near by, it was inevitable for me to look for new ways to celebrate death. I still was able to get the traditional bread in the store, make an altar for my school and joke about death with my best friend Maria Elena.

During the evening I hosted a family gathering (just I and myself) to reflect about my own life and how I am using the inherited wisdom from my ancestors.

I reflected about how many Carmens are dead now. For instance, I know that there was a Carmen who used to be naïve about sex and romantic relationships, a Carmen who used to dance while driving with loud music, a Carmen who used to sing aloud while cleaning home on Saturdays, a Carmen who used to believe everything the boyfriend said, a Carmen who used to believe in Christmas magic and Santa Claus as a child, a Carmen who used to cry every time she had a class presentation, a Carmen who hated rich people just because, a Carmen who angrily protested in the streets against war, government or any other social injustice, a Carmen who used to hate Sundays, a Carmen who was happily unaware of the impact of her powerful fire and burned so many people around, etc.

All of those Carmens are dead now. They enriched my life and made me who I am. I am glad that most of them are gone but I still miss and cry for some others. The point is how I can be alive and enjoy the Carmens I have and I wish not to have. How I can love and make peace with the part of me that still believes in marriage, wants to fall in love, wants to travel around the world, or cries for company. I know that if I do not listen to those parts and understand their needs they are in danger of dying with painful results. Moreover, how do I know what parts of me are alive and waiting for me to recognize them?

Anyhow, this family gathering was a successful new way of celebrating death and life. However, next time I would eat less bread . . . Maybe.

Happy Day of the Dead! And be sure you are fully alive . . . until the next post.

Tea Parties: a crazy exercise to prevent craziness

It is almost six in the morning and I already spent more than an hour in doing my favorite activity to keep my mind in shape: writing about my self, my fears, expectations and even secrets that I am afraid to tell myself once the sun rises. 

I had a tea party with all the inner Carmens I know. . . No, I am not afraid that you may think I am crazy or suffer from multi personality disorder, as my dear friend Scott would say. 

I invite my selves to this tea party every time I am having some different conversations going on in my head. Has that ever happened to you? This feeling of being in inner conflict or indecisive which could be very uncomfortable.

When I face an inner conflict, the contradiction inside me is holding me back the usual joy and peace I experience. This occurs I face an important decision or feel hurt. Thus, I prepare my favorite tea and organize a meeting where the CEO Carmen asks a question or throws out a topic to be analyzed from different perspectives. The CEO Carmen is ready to listen carefully, free of judgment to the others. This sets the tone for each one of the Carmens to listen to each other in a neutral terrain.

I literally stand up and go from one place to another in the circle. However, today I did not want to quite wake up and go out of my bed so I just grabbed my computer and wrote from the perspective of the intellectual Carmen, the emotional Carmen, the sexual Carmen, or the academic one. . .

No I am not crazy . . . Actually this is a very healthy exercise that prevents me from getting wild and loses perspective. I found those tea parties very helpful, especially when I have time to write the conversation in my journal and read it days, months or years later.

Sometimes the tea party is only for two of the Carmens that have a very specific personality and are in conflict. These are more intense parties and fun to witness.

The more I practice the tea parties the more I find that the needs of all of them are pretty basic. For instance those needs could be, to love and be loved, to listen and be listened. It just happens that different parts of me want to accomplish the same mission in opposite ways. They want to protect me. Once all of them are done and feel understood they are ready to delegate the responsibility of taking a final and more informed decision to the CEO Carmen.

The key here is honesty and bravery to admit the very difficult thoughts that I am afraid to say to myself.

So, I wish you wild and rewarding tea parties for your self. I still have left some nice tea to drink. Until the next post . . .Cheers!